Focus.

I was talking to some of my Scotchie friends, who were telling me about all the duxes and academic prizes that they have at their school.  It makes me wonder why we don’t have such a great emphasis on academic excellence as such.  Actually,  I guess it’s better that they don’t publicise who’s the top at each subject, or else we’d all be eating each other alive.  But then I realise that just because you do well at my school, it doesn’t mean you’re any good compared to the rest of the state.  There are some epic people out there, the likes of which I have never seen amongst my year level at school.  And the scary thing is, we’ll be competing against them.

Okay, so any of you who know me well would know that I don’t really have that vicious competitive streak in me, except with myself.  How can I control what other people do?  Others are always going to be one step ahead of me, and thus it is up to me to make sure that I keep ahead of them too.  Only I have the power to change my path. Haha.  You see, all that I can do is study, work and focus the best that I can and make sure there are no gaps in my understanding.  I have to work diligently starting from now.  I have to make good use of my time.  I must not procrastinate or waste precious minutes.  There is so much to do, so much to conquer and so little time.

So, as of today, I am dedicating myself to this cause.  Of course, I’ll still have time to enjoy myself and bum around (since it is the holidays), but now, as all of you readers are witness to, I promise to work my hardest for this next year.  Starting from now.

And with that, I think I’m going to go and read my English books.

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Add a comment December 4, 2009

Manhattan-Kaboul

During the holidays, as I was looking for some new music to spice up my itunes, I came across a French song by Renaud and Axelle Red, called ‘Manhattan-Kaboul’.  I’ve been listening to it on repeat for ages.  Anyway, the song really hit to me because it’s kind of about something that I’ve felt strongly about.

So, basically it’s about how on September 11 and in it’s aftermath, the lives of ‘deux inconnus, deux anonymes’ (two strangers, two anonymous people) came crashing down- one was a New Yorkean man who was killed in the tower collapse, and the other a little Afghan girl whose village was bombed in the American war on Afghanistan. 

‘pulverise sur l’autel, de la violence eternelle’-  sprayed on the altar, by an eternal violence.  Indeed, religion is causing so much bloodshed and anger and animosity between people.  All these wars going on, everything has its roots in religion.  You’d think that religion is supposed to bring people together- yet it always seems to do the exact opposite- tear people apart…The fights between Protestants and Catholics, Sunnis versus Shiites, Jews and Christians, Jews and Muslims, Muslims and everyone.

I was born into a family that follows a religion that has been extremely negatively portrayed in the media.  And for good reason too.  I’ve always tried to see the good and bad sides of all religions, and having gone to a Christian school for so long, I’ve learnt to appreciate, respect and at times believe in what it teaches.  But with Islam,  I feel ashamed to be a part of it.

This is the religion that oppresses women, views them as a ‘piece of meat’ and causes women to cover themselves from head to toe simply because men can’t control themselves (let them cover their eyes).  This is a religion that has come to embrace ridding the world of non-believers.  This is a religion that cuts off a person’s hand for stealing, and flogs a woman because her husband had an affair.  This is perhaps the most misogynistic, inhumane and ridiculous religion to ever have its naissance.  But the thing is, I believe in Allah or God or whoever it is that’s up there.  I believe whatever He/She/It is wants us to be good people.  It’s all thoses priests and Muslim teachers over the eras that have exploited the words of the Koran and tweaked them to suit their desires and needs and to benefit them.

Which leads me to the thought- is anything in any religion actually the true word of God?  So many people have had the chance to alter the words and the beliefs- how do we know that what we believe in is the truth?  My mother once told me that the most important thing in the world is to stay true to yourself, and to always endeavour to be the best possible person you can be.  And that, in my opinion is the crux of any religion.  So wouldn’t it be easier if we could all see beyond these labels that we brand ourselves with and became one big happy family of the world?

And for a closing thought, here’s a quote from Voltaire,

“If God didn’t exist, it’d be necessary to invent him”.

More about this later!

🙂

Add a comment December 3, 2009

knowing.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings today. I don’t know whether I should cry or smile, whether I should be relieved or sad. I wish that I could find the words to tell myself how I feel, because I’m such a tumult of emotions right now.

So, it was really unexpected, sudden, out of the blue. When I walked through that door, into that room, I would never have thought I would hear those words.  There I was, putting down my books, about to go out to see my friend in the next room, and then…I can’t even explain it.  

Those precious words that have made my heart and my mind feel like this.  Just that simple knowing that it wasn’t you, it was them; the hope that in one and a half years we can talk about this all freely and perhaps that everything will be normal then; the realisation that you still do care (right?), that you haven’t forgotten about me

…The hope part is like this surge of power to keep going, to find out everything, to know what you think, to just be able to talk about things like I once did, because nobody’s been able to understand me the way you did.  But, then there’s the pain of all those months that I teetered on the brink of just giving up, because I felt so guilty for ruining your life and mine.

 

That simple, unexpected act has changed my day, my view of the future.  Nobody understands how important you were to me– that you were the only one who would listen and understand the things I didn’t say.  And now, this short exchange of words has left me with this new, fresh, and somewhat scary sensation that I cannot describe, but I can only feel deep down in every part of my body. 

 

You have no idea how much it meant to me.  I wish that I could have said more right then.  It came as such a shock, but a nice one, if that makes sense!   But…one and a half years…and that time is diminishing every second.  I can wait for that long to explain myself.  I can wait for that long to know what it was like for you.    I can wait for that long to make everything better and bring everyone together.   Knowing that one year later, you still remember and you still care, I can count on one and a half years, can’t I? 

 

None of that makes sense.  It’s just the ranting of my emotional mind.  If you read it, I hope you understand what I mean…you always did.

 

Thank you, is all that I can say.

 

Thankyou.

Add a comment April 3, 2009

quick thursday morning update.

Well, Vivian told me I should post more on my blog. The only problem is that I have nothing to write about. Life is just pretty boring at the moment with the usual frenzy of tests, assignments and homework and things like that.
Physics test today, then Vectors tomorrow. Methods test on Monday and first ever real SAC on the following Wednesday. Yupp, I’d better go study, eh? 🙂

When my life gets interesting, I’ll get back to you! 😛

1 comment March 18, 2009

one down

You have no idea how relieved I am that my saxophone exam is over…now all I have to do is wait for the results…hopefully I PASSED.  But I guess the exam itself was quite fun, what with the examiners and all…but I wish I hadn’t let my fingers go wild and stuff up a few notes…but MEH.

Anyway, now there’s like four days of school exams…joy!

Why is it that I feel more confident with being stuck in a hall for two hours writing away, than an hour of just playing the saxophone?  I should get back to studying…

Ooooh, also I started watching Neighbours, and it is so awesome…maybe it’s because I’ve only been watching it for less than a week, but I don’t understand why some people hate it so much LOL.

Add a comment November 8, 2008

la deuxieme

Okay, my second post for today…I just had an enlightening experience…at the hairdresser’s.  It’s quite fascinating just how enlightened one can get by simply getting their hair done…with the right hairdresser of course!

Now, my hairdresser does a superb job on my hair every time…and she seems to be a nice person and all…but today by conversing with her, one of the stereotypes I believed in came tumbling down…

So, for my highschool years, I’ve thought that the barbies…you know, the girls that are popular, outgoing, are fashionable etc etc…I’ve thought they were intimidating, different…unapproachable…but in fact they’re just people like me too..they’re not always going to look down on you…

“everyone’s different”

okay, so this is a pretty bare blog, but it makes sense to me…I know exactly what I mean.

LOL

signing out, avec a new hair cut grace a jordy…best hairdresser ever 🙂

Add a comment November 3, 2008

naivety.

How could I have been so naive and so foolish to think that I could completely forget?

It will just keep coming back, and the thing is, I don’t even know whether I resent it, or love it…

“just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you…”  those words really sum it up.

Why did I have that dream at that time?  Sometimes I wonder if subconsciously, my heart and my mind is trying to tell me something…For two months and more, that thought never even crossed my mind, not even once…and then one night, one episode, and a week of chance crossing of paths…

Is it just me…does anyone else think about it?  Does it ever cross YOUR mind?  Or is it just me? 

Maybe I’ve just got to move on, but I can’t.

Someone asked me on Friday “aren’t you happy to see me?”, and my answer was yes.  Because I trully was happy to see her…ma source permanente d’eclats de rire…the thing that refilled my life with happiness when I was so drained two months or so ago.

If that other person were to ask me that question, what would I answer?  My life is a jumble of emotions…

 

You know, it’s funny…I think I’m being thrust into a strange role.  Less than a year ago, I was a depressed child, wanting nothing more than to end it all.  I had no idea how to control myself, no diea what was going on in my mind…and now people turn to me with their problems of this sort.   And it makes me realise, that these issues aren’t as rare as you think…and they most certainly shouldn’t be taboo…and I find that the words I say in comfort, trying to build up their hope in life, are the exact words you told me…exact words that would cause me so much pain now, yet give me the power to keep going…

Add a comment November 3, 2008

Two things…

Yesterday was a small turning point in my life…For weeks now, I have tried to block out a certain important person in my life, because I knew not doing so would just continue the pain for her and me and for everyone.  But I was wrong about that, and that’s what my previous blog is about…but yesterday showed me something different, about myself, about people around me, about my life. 

So house maths was yesterday, and it was the usual stressful yet fun time for the whole house, and our group!  So, before becoming all sombre, congratulations to everyone and my teams mates Ainsley, Vicky, Katri and Rachel M…it’s been the best being with you guys…couldn’t ask for a better team…four years and running, hopefully…let’s not jinx it!

Anyway, besides all the fun and adrenalin rush, I had to come face to face again with her…not that I didn’t want to…I think somewhere in my heart I wanted to be able to speak to her…just to put things right.  I felt like I just had to say something, but I couldn’t…the situation was too awkward…yet there was a glimmer of normality in everything…just the way it should be, and it would have been had I done things differently.  It was a bittersweet experience then…I tasted, once more, the happiness of a couple of years ago, and the sadness of what I have lost, what I have been forced to rip out of my life…

I filled the gap in my life with French, and then yesterday…the two things were juxtaposed in such a way, that I realised that one did not fill the void left by the other…in fact, there are two things in my life…two very different things, that both fill the void…I can’t help to ask myself which one of the two is more important to me…but then I realised, that I couldn’t differentiate between then two, because they were so different, yet both so precious to me…yet, somehow the first thing will always hold me stronger…just that tiny bit smaller.  The first thing will always be the one that saved me from the depths of depression, for doing away with what should have been precious…and the second did the same too…une source permanente d’eclats de rire…the only way I could forget about the pains.  In the end, both cause pain and both take them away…nothing in life is simple.  I can’t help but to feel guilty when the two were in front of me like that…but I should not be…they are different, I have to make myself believe…that they will both be there…because now, without both, I know I will now never be able to survive….

Add a comment September 10, 2008

ahh, merci

Merci Carla Bruni…grace a vous, je peux oublier mes problemes…well, if only for a moment…it is better than never.

Just listening to Carla Bruni songs is so relaxing.  It takes my mind away from all the troubles in my life.  I can pretend to be anywhere…on the beach, on a balcony, in the rainforest, anywhere…just listening all my troubles away.

Bittersweet….ahh how I love French, the French, French songs….so perfect….I wish I could run away to my little piece of la plage in Nice…or my chateau in the loire valley, or my parisien appartment overlooked by the eiffel tower…

Ahh, but it’s all just a dream…I can’t live in a dream forever…

Add a comment September 9, 2008

this is my life…

This is my life, and nothing can change it.  Nobody can change it.  Where I am now is a result of choices and decisions I have made.  Well, that’s what I like to think, but I know that my life has been influenced by the people I have let it, the people I have listened to, the people I have let myself listen to.  Yesterday, somebody said that we shouldn’t give advice to people, because it takes away their power…and to a certain extent I find myself agreeing with that.  People who I valued all around me, told me that I would be happier without her.  I believed them, because I trusted them.  Because I thought they were probably right…and I regret that.

Three or so years ago, I realised there was a void in my life.  An emptiness, even though I had so much, even though I couldn’t have asked for better opportunities, better people.  I had it all and I am grateful and lucky for that…but despite all that, there was a huge, deep void in my life.  I didn’t know exactly why, and perhaps I don’t know now, but it hurt.  And I filled it with the first thing I saw.  I filled it with the first person who fit the shape of the void…somebody who I knew I could trust, a person who was always there for me…the only person who had done that for me for so long…

Then there was this mess that has been building up for a long time.  They made me rip away from that person…and it hurt, it still does, which is why I cannot write about it.  I tried my best to erase her out of my life, to get on with everything, to forget her.  I even avoided her, consciously tried to avoid her, so I wouldn’t have to see her, to stop myself from going back to how it started.  The guilt killed me, the guilt that I brought this on the one person who tried to help me.  I thought I had removed it all from my life, and perhaps most of it was gone…because there I felt another void in my life.  So I filled that with the first thing that came into my life then.  I cherished it, I held on to it, because I knew that if there was nothing to hold on to, then I would drown, I would fall in.  But the truth was that remnants of the first pain were still there, because they can never be erased.

I can never forget about somebody so influential in my life.  As much as it hurts to think of them and all they have done, and all the trouble I have done…it hurts more to forget.  I cannot forget.  It is imprinted into my heart, and can never be erased, never be undone.  And now the void is filled with something new, and it hurts to tear away from that too.  Nothing in my life can be forgotten.  What she meant to me was different from so many other things…ripping too pieces of silk away from each other hurts…at least for one piece…i don’t even know anymore…

There will always be a void in my life…nobody understands that void in my life…that’s why I lose so many friends, so many people…because that void is there and I cannot exptress it to anybody.

The void will be there, and I will continue to fill it with whatever comes my way, because I know no other way.

Add a comment September 9, 2008

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