knowing.

I don’t know how to explain my feelings today. I don’t know whether I should cry or smile, whether I should be relieved or sad. I wish that I could find the words to tell myself how I feel, because I’m such a tumult of emotions right now.

So, it was really unexpected, sudden, out of the blue. When I walked through that door, into that room, I would never have thought I would hear those words.  There I was, putting down my books, about to go out to see my friend in the next room, and then…I can’t even explain it.  

Those precious words that have made my heart and my mind feel like this.  Just that simple knowing that it wasn’t you, it was them; the hope that in one and a half years we can talk about this all freely and perhaps that everything will be normal then; the realisation that you still do care (right?), that you haven’t forgotten about me

…The hope part is like this surge of power to keep going, to find out everything, to know what you think, to just be able to talk about things like I once did, because nobody’s been able to understand me the way you did.  But, then there’s the pain of all those months that I teetered on the brink of just giving up, because I felt so guilty for ruining your life and mine.

That simple, unexpected act has changed my day, my view of the future.  Nobody understands how important you were to me– that you were the only one who would listen and understand the things I didn’t say.  And now, this short exchange of words has left me with this new, fresh, and somewhat scary sensation that I cannot describe, but I can only feel deep down in every part of my body. 

You have no idea how much it meant to me.  I wish that I could have said more right then.  It came as such a shock, but a nice one, if that makes sense!   But…one and a half years…and that time is diminishing every second.  I can wait for that long to explain myself.  I can wait for that long to know what it was like for you.    I can wait for that long to make everything better and bring everyone together.   Knowing that one year later, you still remember and you still care, I can count on one and a half years, can’t I? 

None of that makes sense.  It’s just the ranting of my emotional mind.  If you read it, I hope you understand what I mean…you always did.

Thank you, is all that I can say.

Thankyou.

Add a comment April 3, 2009