Two things…

Yesterday was a small turning point in my life…For weeks now, I have tried to block out a certain important person in my life, because I knew not doing so would just continue the pain for her and me and for everyone.  But I was wrong about that, and that’s what my previous blog is about…but yesterday showed me something different, about myself, about people around me, about my life. 

So house maths was yesterday, and it was the usual stressful yet fun time for the whole house, and our group!  So, before becoming all sombre, congratulations to everyone and my teams mates Ainsley, Vicky, Katri and Rachel M…it’s been the best being with you guys…couldn’t ask for a better team…four years and running, hopefully…let’s not jinx it!

Anyway, besides all the fun and adrenalin rush, I had to come face to face again with her…not that I didn’t want to…I think somewhere in my heart I wanted to be able to speak to her…just to put things right.  I felt like I just had to say something, but I couldn’t…the situation was too awkward…yet there was a glimmer of normality in everything…just the way it should be, and it would have been had I done things differently.  It was a bittersweet experience then…I tasted, once more, the happiness of a couple of years ago, and the sadness of what I have lost, what I have been forced to rip out of my life…

I filled the gap in my life with French, and then yesterday…the two things were juxtaposed in such a way, that I realised that one did not fill the void left by the other…in fact, there are two things in my life…two very different things, that both fill the void…I can’t help to ask myself which one of the two is more important to me…but then I realised, that I couldn’t differentiate between then two, because they were so different, yet both so precious to me…yet, somehow the first thing will always hold me stronger…just that tiny bit smaller.  The first thing will always be the one that saved me from the depths of depression, for doing away with what should have been precious…and the second did the same too…une source permanente d’eclats de rire…the only way I could forget about the pains.  In the end, both cause pain and both take them away…nothing in life is simple.  I can’t help but to feel guilty when the two were in front of me like that…but I should not be…they are different, I have to make myself believe…that they will both be there…because now, without both, I know I will now never be able to survive….

Add a comment September 10, 2008