ahh, merci

Merci Carla Bruni…grace a vous, je peux oublier mes problemes…well, if only for a moment…it is better than never.

Just listening to Carla Bruni songs is so relaxing.  It takes my mind away from all the troubles in my life.  I can pretend to be anywhere…on the beach, on a balcony, in the rainforest, anywhere…just listening all my troubles away.

Bittersweet….ahh how I love French, the French, French songs….so perfect….I wish I could run away to my little piece of la plage in Nice…or my chateau in the loire valley, or my parisien appartment overlooked by the eiffel tower…

Ahh, but it’s all just a dream…I can’t live in a dream forever…

Add a comment September 9, 2008

this is my life…

This is my life, and nothing can change it.  Nobody can change it.  Where I am now is a result of choices and decisions I have made.  Well, that’s what I like to think, but I know that my life has been influenced by the people I have let it, the people I have listened to, the people I have let myself listen to.  Yesterday, somebody said that we shouldn’t give advice to people, because it takes away their power…and to a certain extent I find myself agreeing with that.  People who I valued all around me, told me that I would be happier without her.  I believed them, because I trusted them.  Because I thought they were probably right…and I regret that.

Three or so years ago, I realised there was a void in my life.  An emptiness, even though I had so much, even though I couldn’t have asked for better opportunities, better people.  I had it all and I am grateful and lucky for that…but despite all that, there was a huge, deep void in my life.  I didn’t know exactly why, and perhaps I don’t know now, but it hurt.  And I filled it with the first thing I saw.  I filled it with the first person who fit the shape of the void…somebody who I knew I could trust, a person who was always there for me…the only person who had done that for me for so long…

Then there was this mess that has been building up for a long time.  They made me rip away from that person…and it hurt, it still does, which is why I cannot write about it.  I tried my best to erase her out of my life, to get on with everything, to forget her.  I even avoided her, consciously tried to avoid her, so I wouldn’t have to see her, to stop myself from going back to how it started.  The guilt killed me, the guilt that I brought this on the one person who tried to help me.  I thought I had removed it all from my life, and perhaps most of it was gone…because there I felt another void in my life.  So I filled that with the first thing that came into my life then.  I cherished it, I held on to it, because I knew that if there was nothing to hold on to, then I would drown, I would fall in.  But the truth was that remnants of the first pain were still there, because they can never be erased.

I can never forget about somebody so influential in my life.  As much as it hurts to think of them and all they have done, and all the trouble I have done…it hurts more to forget.  I cannot forget.  It is imprinted into my heart, and can never be erased, never be undone.  And now the void is filled with something new, and it hurts to tear away from that too.  Nothing in my life can be forgotten.  What she meant to me was different from so many other things…ripping too pieces of silk away from each other hurts…at least for one piece…i don’t even know anymore…

There will always be a void in my life…nobody understands that void in my life…that’s why I lose so many friends, so many people…because that void is there and I cannot exptress it to anybody.

The void will be there, and I will continue to fill it with whatever comes my way, because I know no other way.

Add a comment September 9, 2008